A true story:
Bob was mowing the lawn. His neighbor Jay was preparing to wash his car. He moved the car closer to the hose hookup. Low and behold, a snapping turtle about two feet across appeared in Jay’s driveway. It had evidently been enjoying the shade provided by Jay’s 1965 VW Squareback.
Bob crossed the yard to help his neighbor. The two men regarded the big turtle. Which looked kind of like a dinosaur. And smelled really bad. What to do?
Bob says, “Jay, you got a snow shovel?”
Jay did. He procured it.
Jay says, “Bob, you got a big basket?”
Bob did. He procured it.
With the snow shovel, Jay lifted the turtle into the basket and the two men hefted the basket into the back of Jay’s 1965 VW Squareback.
They drove several miles to a swamp where they thought the turtle would be happier than in Jay’s driveway. On the ride, they congratulated each other on their handling of the turtle situation. “That was a good idea about the snow shovel, Bob,” Jay said.
“Getting that big laundry basket was pure genius, Bob,” Jay said. Each appreciated the other’s manly wisdom. “I guess we handled old Mr. Turtle pretty well,” they told each other.
Nearing the swamp, they heard clawing and rumbling from the back. The turtle had freed itself from the basket and was tearing at the upholstery and advancing on the two men in the front seat.
Jay drove faster. The turtle seemed determined to climb the seat and . . . well, let’s just say he looked pretty ferocious and fairly unhappy.
Jay pulled off the road by the swamp. Our heroes exited the vehicle, slamming the doors behind them. The turtle, the basket and the snow shovel remained in the car. “The turtle,” Bob would later say (much later), “had the car!” and was protecting its newly acquired territory.
Time passed. How to get Old Mr. Turtle out of the car and into the swamp? When Bob tentatively lifted the hatchback, Old Mr. Turtle hissed and went for him, jaws a-snappin’. He seemed to mean business. Jay was fresh out of ideas.
Along comes a 13-year-old boy on a bicycle. “What’s the problem?”
Well, they told him, there’s an angry snapping turtle in the car and we can’t get him out.
The boy found a sturdy stick in the woods, opened the hatchback, and poked the turtle with the stick. Old Mr. Turtle chomped onto that stick and -- as snappers will -- held on for dear life. Once a snapper grabs something, he doesn’t let go.
The boy pulled the snapper out of the car by the stick and dragged him to the water’s edge.
Bob and Jay thanked him appropriately.
On the drive home, Bob and Jay agreed that if their wives or children asked how Operation Turtle went, they would stick to one story: “Smooth,” they’d say. “It went smooth.”
