Just Ask Ida

Celebration up to Camp

We celebrated Dot and Tommy’s fortieth wedding anniversary over the weekend, with a big blow-out up to their camp. We had lobsters and steamers, coleslaw, macaroni salad, corn on the cob, ambrosia (I brought that) and homemade biscuits. And the desserts? Oh, Mister Man! Don’t know if I was more buzzed by the sweets or the sugar-free Jell-O shots (gotta save calories where we can)!

Oh, and Junior made his famous bean hole beans. Ever had ‘em? It’s a guy thing ‘cause, you know, it involves diggin’ a hole, fillin’ it with old tire chains and playing around with fire for a good three hours. The woman helps out a bit, preppin’ the beans, getting ‘em all ready. Then the guy buries the bean pot in the fire pit, where it stays all night, cookin’ away. Next day, the guy digs the pot out. Man, are those beans ever tasty!

All the usual suspects were there: Celeste and Bud, Rita and Smitty, Betty and Pat, Dot and Tommy (of course), Shirley and Junior and me and Charlie. Shirley and Junior went up Friday, so they could get the beans started. The rest of us arrived the next morning. We told Dot and Tommy not to get there ‘til the afternoon. We didn’t want them liftin’ a finger to help.

Betty and me made a special trip to iParty in Bangor for supplies. Side note: have you ever noticed that the people who work at the party store, aren’t really the life of the party? I mean, this little glum gal greeted us when we walked in the door. “Welcome to iParty,” she says, in a monotone with zero energy. It got Betty and me to giggling, it was so ridiculous.

Anyhoo, we flirted with doing a luau theme ‘cause we liked them leis. But we weren’t up for roastin’ a pig, and it would be hard to get one of them apples in a lobster’s mouth! So we went with pink flamingos. Nothin’ says Maine like pink flamingos, right? We got pink flamingo plates and table cloth, pink and green plastic cups, balloons and streamers, little pink flamingo party favors, and a few big ones to decorate the yard. We thought we were done, then Betty notices pink flamingo temporary tattoos. Some things were just mean to be!

What a blast we had decorating that camp! We even gussied up the pontoon boat, which we call the party boat. Why? ‘Cause it is. That night, we pile in, take that thing out to the middle of the lake. There, we swapped stories about Dot and Tommy. You know, tried to get ‘em goin’. After awhile, though, we piped down and just sat there, watchin’ the stars and listenin’ to the loons. That’s about as good as it gets here in Maine.

We all stayed over. Celeste and Bud had brought up their camper, which sleeps four. Rita and Smitty pitched their tent and the rest of us bunked down inside.

The next morning, them loons didn’t sound so magical to those of us who woke with big heads. We had leftover beans and biscuits for breakfast, and Dottie fried up a whole mess o’ bacon. Along with good strong coffee, some of the guys had what they refer to as barley juice for breakfast. (Any other time of day, we call it beer.)

While the boys went fishin’, us gals tidied up. We had leftovers for lunch and headed home, temporary tattoos still in place. God, what a great group of folks! I’m one lucky gal.

That’s it for now. Catch you on the flip side!

P.S. Thank you to Islandport Press for hostin’ my blog. It’s been a year since I moved from Downeast, and I couldn’t be happier. And a special shout out to my editors Melissa and Michelle for doin’ all the tech stuff, jazzin’ up “Just Ask Ida” so it looks swanky as all get out and generally makin’ me look smarter than I am. You’re the best!

Ida's Podcast: Celebration up to Camp

This Week & Next
August 22: Ida: Woman Who Runs With the Moose!, ACT ONE Festival 2013, 2:00pm & 8:00pm, Portsmouth, NH
August 29: I Married an Alien!, ACT ONE Festival 2013, 2:00pm & 8:00pm, Portsmouth, NH

Coming up in September
September 14: Ida: Woman Who Runs With the Moose!, ACT ONE Festival 2013, 2:00pm Portsmouth, NH
September 14: I Married an Alien!, ACT ONE Festival 2013, 8:00pm, Portsmouth, NH
September 19: Book Reading, Yarmouth Historical Society, 7:00pm, Yarmouth, ME

For details, please check out the schedule page on my website: http://www.idaswebsite.com/schedule

The Bearded Lady

A couple of weeks ago, I had an experience that’s haunted me ever since. So much so, I felt the need to discuss it with the Women Who Run With the Moose when we got together for our girls night, Thursday evening.

Betty was hosting, and she was servin’ these skinny watermelon margaritas. Perfect for a hot, summer night in Mahoosuc Mills, and for helping the conversation flow. Not that us gals ever have a problem in that department.

“So last Saturday, I was at the baked bean supper down to the Congo Church,” I begin, “and who do I run into but Eleanor Purdy.”

“How is ol’ Ellie?” asks Shirley. “Just as sweet as ever?”

We all chuckle at that one.

Celeste goes, “That old gal must be pushin’ ninety.”

“Eighty-eight next week, she told me. Heck, she pretty much announced it to everyone there. She always was a little rough around the edges.”

“To put it mildly,” Shirley adds.

“Well, she was goin’ on about something or other, but I couldn’t stay with it. I was distracted by these little hairs she had sproutin’ all over her chin. Plus, she had this exceptionally long one growin’ from the end of her nose. I found it hard to look at anything else.”

Dottie goes, “Agin’ ain’t for the faint of heart.”

“No, it isn’t!” adds Betty. “All of a sudden you realize the fat on your body is moving around, headin’ from your butt to your stomach.”

“Your breasts to your inner thighs!”

“Yeah, but when your hair starts migratin’ that’s, that's . . . ,” I sigh, unable to go on.

“It’s discouragin’, no doubt about it,” Celeste says.

For once, all six of us sit there in silence, ponderin’ our fate.

Finally, Shirley goes, “To be honest, I have a couple of places on my chin . . . ”

“Me, too,” Rita jumps in.

“I have this place on the side of my face,” I say, “where there’s this tiny mole I have to keep a watch on.”

“Yup,” goes Dottie. “Here’s mine. I looked at it the other day, and suddenly it was about an eighth of an inch long. Like over night! I mean, What the . . . ? How long have I been walkin’ around with this thing?”

“Well,” Rita begins, “we have to get our husband to swear they’ll never let us leave the house with hair sproutin’ outta our face.”

“Thought of that, Rita, but here’s the deal. Charlie barely notices if I change my hair style! If I’m wearin’ a new outfit! If the towels are clean! I mean, I just don’t trust he’s payin’ that much attention.”

Ever the voice of reason, Betty chimes in “Clearly, we have to do it for each other. Make a pact.”

“Where do I sign up?” asks Dottie.

“Tweezers!” Celeste says, “We need official Women Who Run With the Moose tweezers.”

We all yell, “Road trip!”

“And if I black out,” Rita adds, “and end up in a coma or something, you have to promise to keep my eyebrows nice and trim my cuticles. Maybe do my hair once a week.”

“You bet, Rita. What are friends for?”

Shirley goes, “Geez Louise, this is getting way too deep for me. I could go for another one of these margaritas.”

“Me, too! Me, too!”

And before you know it, we’re on to other things, talking a mile a minute, eating like we haven’t seen food before and laughing like there’s no tomorrow. What a great bunch of gals!

That’s it for now. Catch you on the flip side!

Ida's Podcast: The Bearded Lady

This Week & Next

August 22: Ida: Woman Who Runs With the Moose!, ACT ONE Festival 2013, 2:00pm & 8:00pm, Portsmouth, NH
August 29: I Married an Alien!, ACT ONE Festival 2013, 2:00pm & 8:00pm, Portsmouth, NH

Coming up in September

September 14: Ida: Woman Who Runs With the Moose!, ACT ONE Festival 2013, 2:00pm Portsmouth, NH
September 14: I Married an Alien!, ACT ONE Festival 2013, 8:00pm, Portsmouth, NH
September 19: Book Reading, Yarmouth Historical Society, 7:00pm, Yarmouth, ME


For details, please check out the schedule page on my website: http://www.idaswebsite.com/schedule

Flip Flops, Short Shorts and Bad Tattoos

As I sit down to write this blog, I have no idea what I’m gonna share with you this week. I’m tabula rasa. (Who knew that’s how you spelled it!) I mean, I got nothin’. But you know what? I’m showing up, making a start and seeing what happens, which, come to think of it, is a pretty good approach to life, now, isn’t it?

Let’s see. It’s mid-August, and boy, haven’t we had one heck of a tourist season here in Mahoosuc Mills! I guess the economy has bounced back enough for folks from away to venture all the way to our little neck of the woods. They drive hundreds of miles in their fancy SUV’s to get away from it all, then they complain that it’s not more like home. What’s up with that? “Don’t you have a Starbucks in town?” “The cell phone coverage stinks.” “The loons are keeping me up at night.” Folks, if you wanted to be miserable, you could have saved the gas and stayed home. Not everyone is like that, of course. But the ones who are kind of stand out.

Down to the A&P, it’s been wicked busy, of course. I’ve seen my fair share of tank tops and flip flops. And I’m no prude, but really, short shorts should not be worn by women past their sell-by date. And men in that category shouldn’t be allowed to go shirtless outside the privacy of their own homes, either. I’m just sayin’.

And what is it with the bad tattoos? I’ve got nothin’ against tattoos, mind you. My niece Caitlin has a beautiful butterfly on her lower back and a daisy on her ankle. Those are works of art, in my opinion. But some of the ones I’ve seen at the A&P this summer? I’m all for a bargain, but a tattoo is permanent, folks! You don’t go with the lowest bidder! And you’re the one that’s supposed to be drunk, not the guy doing’ the tattoo! My feeling is, if I have to ask the person what it says or what it is, that tattoo is comin’ up short. I mean is that Jesus or Jerry Garcia? It’s hard to tell.

Oh, and we had a major “oompa loompa” alert at work, Friday. (That’s a spray tan or self tan gone horribly wrong.) Holy Mother of God! That gal had managed to turn herself bright orange! Plus, she was sportin’ short shorts (even though she shouldn’t) a navel ring (why?) and yet another bad tattoo (trust me). ‘Course, she comes to me to check out. I says to her. “Is that a worm comin’ out of the apple?”

She has no idea what I’m talkin’ about.

“Your tattoo,” I clarify, “is that a worm comin’ out of the apple?”

“Oh,” she replies, “no, that’s the stem of the apple.”

“Oh, yes, I see it now,” I say, humoring her. I’m scanning her items, but my eyes keep driftin’ back to that apple. I’m thinkin’, How many shots of Wild Turkey would it take to make that tattoo look good?

Once we finished with the oompa loopa gal, I shut off my register light, and me and my bagger Shannon run out to the break room, where we almost peed our pants we got laughing so hard. Our manager Chip came in and we even got him crackin’ up. What a circus that place is, come summer.

Speakin’ of work, I gotta pull myself together. Gonna be another busy day down to the A&P. I can feel it!

That’s it for now. Catch you on the flip side!

Ida's Podcast: Flips Flops, Short Shorts and Bad Tattoos

This Week
August 16: I Married an Alien!, Deertrees Theatre, 7:30pm, Harrison, ME
August 17: Islandport Authorfest, Book Signing with John Ford and Mark Ricketts, Kittery Trading Post, 11:00am-2:00pm, Kittery, ME

Comin’ Up This Summer
August 22: Ida: Woman Who Runs With the Moose!, ACT ONE Festival 2013, 2:00pm & 8:00pm, Portsmouth, NH
August 29: I Married an Alien!, ACT ONE Festival 2013, 2:00pm & 8:00pm, Portsmouth, NH

For details, please check out the schedule page on my website: http://www.idaswebsite.com/schedule