Just Ask Ida

Multi-Taskin' Makes Me Cranky

The other day, my friend Celeste and me were chatting on the phone, catching up on things and, per usual, talking about our husbands. “Ida,” she says to me, “sometimes I just snap at Bud for no good reason. I feel bad, after. Heck, I feel bad while I’m doing it, but I just can’t help myself!”

“I know what you mean, Celeste. There are some days when every time I open my mouth to say something to Charlie, only frogs and toads come out. Nothing but frogs and toads.”

“Why is that, Ida? They’re both such sweet guys.’

“I’ve pondered that one, Celeste, and I’ve come to the conclusion that while you and me may be good at it, multi-tasking makes us cranky. We’re going in a million different directions, keeping our eye on the Big Picture, getting’ pulled this way and that. Why, we have so many balls in the air, all it take is one more thing added to the mix and we snap.”

Celeste agreed. Then she had to go because she was babysitting her grandson Robbie, had a pie in the oven and needed to get the laundry off the line before it started to rain.

I read an article recently that said multi-tasking is an inefficient way of doing things. Hello? Try making supper without multi-tasking! “Here you go, Charlie. Once we’ve eaten our fill of this meatloaf, here, I’ll start peeling the potatoes.”

I used to blame that overwhelmed feeling on PMS, then perimenopause, then menopause, but things have pretty much settled down in that department. (I’d say I’m post-menopause, but that sounds like I’m just this side of dead!)

So basically, all my excuses for being short with Charlie are gone. That’s what I’m thinking a couple of weeks ago, as I was getting ready for the Knights of Columbus picnic.

It was a potluck, and I was trying out a new recipe I’d gotten from Franny Lefebvre for a faux lobster thermidor made with them sea legs. I’d had it at our book group, and it was delicious! Franny was nice enough to share her recipe. “It’s easy!” she said, and wrote it down on a cocktail napkin. but I was having a hard time reading her handwriting. I was trying to decide whether it was a half cup of light cream or one and a half cups, when the phone starts ringing. Charlie doesn’t even make a move to answer. No, he’s “busy” looking for pickled eggs in the fridge. Which means he has the door open and is just standing there staring in. Not moving anything inside, mind you, just staring in.

Now, if I’d asked him to get the phone, he would have, but you’d think he’d be able to tear himself away from what he’s doing. And I know, I know I should delegate more, but frankly asking, explaining and then checking to see if it’s done right: now that’s inefficient! It’s just quicker doing it myself. Plus, my problem is, I wait too long to ask for help. By the time I say “uncle” my head feels like it’s about to pop off.

“Do we have any of them pickled eggs left?” he asks as I’m wiping off my hands so I can answer the phone. I opened my mouth and, frogs and toads, frogs and toads, frogs and toads.

A while later, I get into the car, where Charlie’s been sitting for the last ten minutes with the engine running, and I still can’t let it go.

“Tell you what, Mister Man, next time you can rush around the house pulling the curtains, shutting the lights, making sure the iron is off, putting aluminum foil on the lobster thermidor, closing the windows in case it rains, and I’ll wait in the car with the motor running!”

“Hey, I put the beer in the cooler, and came out here to cool down the car so you wouldn’t ruin you new outfit. Pink sure is a pretty color on you, Ida.”

I gotta admit, Charlie has learned a thing or two in forty years of marriage.

That’s it for now. Catch you on the flip side!

Ida's Podcast: Multi-Taskin'

Comin’ Up This Summer
August 16: I Married an Alien!, Deertrees Theatre, 7:30pm, Harrison, ME
August 17: Islandport Authorfest, Book Signing with John Ford and Mark Ricketts, Kittery Trading Post, 11:00am-2:00pm, Kittery, ME
August 22: Ida: Woman Who Runs With the Moose!, ACT ONE Festival 2013, 2:00pm & 8:00pm, Portsmouth, NH
August 29: I Married an Alien!, ACT ONE Festival 2013, 2:00pm & 8:00pm, Portsmouth, NH

For details, please check out the schedule page on my website: http://www.idaswebsite.com/schedule

Mornin' Constitutional

One mornin’ last week (can’t remember which one, ‘cause you know, short term memory is the first to go), I’m takin’ Scamp out for his mornin’ constitutional. Usually, my husband Charlie does the morning walk and I take the afternoon shift. But this summer, I decided to join Charlie in the morning, before the day heats up. See, I gotta do something to counteract my Dairy Queen habit. Plus, this time of year, it seems like every weekend is one socializin’ over-eatin’ opportunity after another. My morning walk is the only thing keepin’ the tide at bay! And besides, it’s a good time to catch up with Charlie, though it takes him a good quarter mile to wake up.

But this particular mornin’, Charlie had to be at work early, so it was just Scamp and me. Kind of nice, really, just me and the little guy, groovin’ along, enjoying’ this quiet time. Well, not exactly quiet. The birds were chitter-chatterin’ like crazy, crows cawin’ back and forth, and a rooster’s cock-a-doodle-do thrown in for good measure. The dewy air is filled with the smell of newly mown grass, a whiff of hay, the scent of roses and that earthy damp smell of the wooded lot next street over.

Meanwhile, Scamp is hard at work. So many mailboxes, electric poles and shrubs, and so little time! I read an article a while back sayin’ all that sniffing a dog does on his walk is like him reading his morning newspaper. He’s catchin’ up on who’s been where and what’s going on in his world. And when you yank him away from his exploration, it would be the same as someone grabbin’ the newspaper away from you. I try to remember that and be patient, and I am more than Charlie, but geez Louise! Every vertical post and shrub? Really? Scamp, you don’t have to marry that rhododendron, just pee on it, already!

Then there’s that weird thing when you’re out walkin’ and someone’s walkin’ toward you. When do you make eye contact? You’re thinking, do I look now or wait ‘til we’re closer? There comes that point when you catch each other’s eye. I usually give ‘em a big smile and say, “Hi! Beautiful day, huh?” Most of the time, folks at least say hi back. They might even smile a little, usually at Scamp. But have you ever given someone a big, hi-how-you-doin’ smile, and in return you get nothin’. I mean, you gotta work at it not to smile back when someone smiles at you. What’s up with that?

Some people are weird, that’s all there is to it (present company included). It’s the same with folks drivin’ towards you in their car. Some people are thoughtful and generous, giving you plenty of room, a few even going completely over to the other side of the road. They may even smile and wave. Then there’s the ones that are just not gonna give you an inch more than they have to. No cars are coming toward them, but I’m thinking, Yikes! Are we gonna have to dive into the ditch so we don’t get hit? And what if Scamp’s settled in to do his business? Could get messy.

Then there’s the over-sharers. I mean, do I really need to start my day off seein’ Myrna Wilson in her housecoat, hair all helter skelter, shuffling in her slippers out to the mailbox to get yesterday’s mail? No, I do not! And neither did her husband, Floyd, who left town thirty years ago and hasn’t been seen since.

“Mornin’, Myrna.”

Myrna’s response? The butt she has hangin’ outta the corner of her mouth lifts up a little in a kind of salute. Whatever!

Our walk was marred a bit by a horsefly that dogged us the last half of our route. Man, those things are tenacious! I’m walkin’ along, flappin’ my hands around my head like a crazy woman, thinking, Hey, horsefly, don’t you have a territory you have to stay in? But no, apparently they do not.

But those minor inconveniences aside, I was reminded how nice it is to take a walk by myself every now and then. Just me, chillin’ out and letting Scamp do all the heavy lifting.

That’s if for now. Catch you on the flip side!

Ida's Podcast: Mornin' Constitutional

This Week:
July 22: Book Reading, Huntington Common, 2:00pm (changed from 3:00), Kennebunk, ME
July 25: The Moose in Me, The Moose in You! Keynote Speech, DKG 2013 Northeast Regional Conference, Portland, ME

Comin’ Up This Summer
August 16: I Married an Alien!, Deertrees Theatre, 7:30pm, Harrison, ME
August 17: Islandport Authorfest, Book Signing with John Ford and Mark Ricketts, Kittery Trading Post, 11:00am-2:00pm, Kittery, ME
August 22: Ida: Woman Who Runs With the Moose!, ACT ONE Festival 2013, 2:00pm & 8:00pm, Portsmouth, NH
August 29: I Married an Alien!, ACT ONE Festival 2013, 2:00pm & 8:00pm, Portsmouth, NH

For details, please check out the schedule page on my website: http://www.idaswebsite.com/schedule

The Mystery of the Pudgy Husband

Charlie went in for a physical a while back, and I guess he got a smack down by his doctor. Apparently, his weight is up and so’s his blood pressure: not good. His cholesterol is OK, but I’m thinkin’ that’s due more to heredity, than clean livin’. And to be honest, now that I think of it, Charlie is a little more portly than usual.

Here’s the deal: he doesn’t eat that bad at home. Sure, we have our share of treats, and it is Dairy Queen season, but we’re eating no worse than usual. Gotta admit, I was a little perplexed.

“Charlie, what’s goin’ on?” I asked.

“Beats me, Ida. I think I’m just too short for my weight.”

“You and me both, Sweetheart. So, you haven’t been eatin’ anything different?”

“Nope!”

“Hmmm.” I wasn’t buying it. Clearly, some detective work was in order. I’m no Sherlock Holmes, but common sense told me to start down to the Busy Bee. Heck, it’s a good place for anyone to start, comin’ to Mahoosuc Mills. It’s famous for Bud’s Baked Bean Breakfast Buffet, served Thanksgivin’ through Christmas, as well as his wife Babe’s homemade cinnamon rolls with maple icin’. Oh, and her bacon biscuits with the cream cheese fillin’. To die for!

Then there’s the Big Boy Breakfast Sandwich. Picture this: steak, bacon, sausage, ham and cheese between two pieces of French Toast, smeared with maple butter. Charlie says he only orders it on special occasions, but I know for a fact that he and the boys are a little overly fond of the Big Boy. So much so, they have a nickname for it: “The Other Woman.” Why? Because “you have to sneak around to have it, and feel guilty after!” Well, I was wondering if Charlie had been spending a little too much time with “The Other Woman.”

Down I went to the Busy Bee, ordering up a bacon and cream cheese biscuit and a cup of coffee, you know, to be polite. Besides, detective work is tiring, and I needed to keep up my strength.

Small talk outta the way, I got down to business. “Babe, has Charlie been in here more than usual, lately?”

“Oh, Ida,” Babe says, smiling, “you know I can’t tell you that. What happens down to the Busy Bee, stays down to the Busy Bee.”

“I know, Babe, and I wouldn’t ask you to break your code of confidentiality unless it was a matter of life and death.” Sure I was laying’ it on thick, but I needed an answer.

“Goodness, Ida, what is it?”

“Well,” I explained, “Charlie’s weight and his blood pressure are up, and I’m getting’ a little concerned about it.”

“Gee, I’m sorry to hear that, Ida. But Charlie hasn’t been in much lately. Well, maybe every now and then for a cup of coffee. I think the last time he had a Big Boy was on his birthday, with you.”

“Weird. Well, thanks anyway, Babe!”

I had to get to work, and frankly, if I couldn’t get any answers at the Busy Bee, then the trail was cold. Babe knows about everything that’s goin’ on in Mahoosuc Mills and then some.

Next time I saw ‘em, I brought it up to the Women Who Run With the Moose, and Celeste said that, come to think of it, Bud was lookin’ a little bigger ‘round the middle.

“Junior’s been pudging out, big time,” Shirley chimed in. “Hmm, the plot thickens!”

So, a week later, just this past Thursday, I’m opening up my register down to the A&P when Babe comes in, all huffin’ and puffin’.

“Ida!” she gasps, “I think I know what’s ‘causin’ Charlie to pork out.”

I flicked off my register light. “Do tell!”

“Pumpkin (that’s our fire chief in town) has been into the Busy Bee, and he told me I can’t bring anymore donuts over to the fire house.”

“Why?”

“’Cause he says his volunteer firemen are getting’ too fat to fit through windows.”

Lights dawns on Marble Head. “I wondered why Charlie was spendin’ so much time down to the engine house. Figured they were just spiffin’ the fire truck up for the Fourth of July parade.”

“Oh, its all my fault. See, I’m been workin’ on this new recipe for maple glazed bacon donuts.”

“Hold on a minute, here. Did you say maple glazed bacon donuts?”

“Yup, and I needed some taste testers and Charlie and all them guys down to the fire department volunteered. It’s taken me awhile to perfect the recipe, so for weeks now I’ve been bringing a couple dozen donuts down to the fire station, and I guess the guys have been scarffin’ them down.”

“Well, who wouldn’t, Babe?”

“Anyways, thought I’d better fess up. You can stop worryin’ about Charlie. Pumpkin’s banned the donuts from the engine house, and he says he’s gonna make the guys do a little work out boot camp in the fall. You know, when the weather cools down.”

“Thanks, Babe, mystery solved.”

“Oh, here,” she says, reachin’ into her apron pocket. “I brought you one, you know, to say I’m sorry. This version’s goin’ on the menu.”

Let me just say, that maple glazed bacon donut was so good, I practically needed a cigarette after, and I don’t even smoke!

That’s it for know. Catch you on the flip side!

Ida's Podcast: The Mystery of the Pudgy Husband

This Week:
July 16: Book Reading, Rangeley Public Library, 6:00pm
July 20: Book Signing, Mooseville, 12:30-1:30pm, Farmington, ME
July 20: I Married an Alien!, Western Maine Storytelling Festival, 7:00pm, Farmington, ME

Comin’ Up This Summer
July 22: Book Reading, Huntington Common, 2:00pm (changed from 3:00), Kennebunk, ME
July 25: The Moose in Me, The Moose in You! Keynote Speech, DKG 2013 Northeast Regional Conference, Portland, ME
August 16: I Married an Alien!, Deertrees Theatre, 7:30pm, Harrison, ME
August 17: Islandport Authorfest, Book Signing with John Ford and Mark Ricketts, Kittery Trading Post, 11:00am-2:00pm, Kittery, ME
August 22: Ida: Woman Who Runs With the Moose!, ACT ONE Festival 2013, 2:00pm & 8:00pm, Portsmouth, NH
August 29: I Married an Alien!, ACT ONE Festival 2013, 2:00pm & 8:00pm, Portsmouth, NH

For details, please check out the schedule page on my website: http://www.idaswebsite.com/schedule