Just Ask Ida

Husbands, Here’s How to Get Your Sexy Back

I was doin’ a book reading recently. (And let me tell you, I gotta pinch myself whenever I say that, make sure I’m not dreamin.’) Anyways, after the formal part of the program, I’m takin’ questions from the audience. You could ask ‘em in person, but for shy folks, I also have these 3x5 cards available. You know, so audience members can ask some of their more embarrassin’ questions anonymously, if they prefer. Someone collects the cards and hands ‘em over to me to read aloud. Askin’ for trouble, I know, but every once in a while you gotta walk on the wild side, right?

Here’s one that got my attention: "My wife doesn't think I'm sexy anymore. What do I do, Ida?"

My first thought is, Who do I look like, Dr. Ruth? I’m short, but not that short!

After a sec, I says, “A man vacuumin’, now that’s sexy.” Am I right, ladies? A man snoring in his Barcalounger? Not so much.

I was just jokin’ around, of course, but the core of my answer is true. Fellas, for us gals, time, attention and affection are key. You want to get your sexy back? Kiss your wife hello and goodbye for a week. Give it a try. I dare you. While you’re at it, thank her for doing the things she does every day, like the dishes or cleanin’ the bathroom. Don’t make a big deal about it, just do it, and watch what happens.

Oh, this is a big one: if she’s spent time makin’ a meal or getting’ dressed up, compliment her. It don’t matter if you feel she’s missed the mark; you’re rewardin’ effort, not outcome. It took Charlie years to come ‘round to this. It’s about letting her know you appreciate her. Are you sensin’ a theme, here?

And guys, if your wife hugs you, never, ever break the hug first. She’s doing it for a reason. You don’t have to know what that reason is (and you probably don’t want to know), but just hang in there those extra few seconds. Believe me, it’s more important than getting down to the transfer station or whatever. You can’t go wrong with this one.

Or how ‘bout this? Ask her out on a date. (And goin’ to get a moose lottery ticket doesn’t count.) Heck, you knew how to do this when you were young and motivated, right? So it can’t be that hard. Here’s a good opener, “Honey, is that Meryl Steep, Tommy Lee Jones movie still playin’?” That’ll get her attention. Then keep going: “How about we take a spin down to Bangor, have supper at the Olive Garden, and then take in the flick?” You cap an evenin’ like that off with a little detour to the DQ (without her havin’ to ask) to pick up a couple of Peanut Buster Parfaits, and you got it made, Mister!

That’s it for now. Catch you on the flip side!

P.S. For those of you followin’ last week’s blog, our third gas dryer conversion kit arrived yesterday, Jeff from Mahoosuc Gas & Oil installed it, and well, three’s the charm! Actually, the parts company sent just about every option they had to be safe. I’ve been washing and drying sheets and towels in my new laundry center all day. In fact, the sound of that dryer’s makin’ me so happy, Charlie just may get lucky tonight!

 

IDA'S PODCAST: Get Your Sexy Back

 

 
Ida/Susan in your neck of the woods!

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 12: "Finding Your Inner Moose" Reading and Book Signing
4 - 6 p.m. at Maine Coast Book Shop, 158 Main St., Damariscotta, ME
http://www.mainecoastbookshop.com/
207-563-3207

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 13: "Finding Your Inner Moose" Reading and Book Signing
2:00 p.m. at Beyond the Sea, 74 Main St., Belfast, ME
http://www.beyondtheseamaine.com/
207-338-2100

I’ll be traveling around quite a bit in the next few months, so check back here each Monday for where I’ll be that week, or click on the “Where’s Ida” link to the left to see my full schedule.

If you’d like me to do a reading at your library, organization or what not, please don’t hesitate to drop me a line:
[email protected]
And if your book group wants to read Finding Your Inner Moose, I’d love to be part of the discussion. Especially if food’s involved!

Taken to the Cleaners

So a few weeks ago, my washer finally bit the dust. It wasn’t like it happened all of a sudden. I’d been pushin’ it for awhile. One morning it started makin’ a clunking sound when it kicked into that final spin. No problem. Just shut it off, and end the wash there, right? But slowly the noise got louder and louder, ‘til one day it scared the you-know-what outta Scamp. And me! I adapted. I just ran a little quicker to the machine when it started protestin’, shut it off, calmed down Scamp and put the wetter than usual clothes in the dryer or out on the line.

The last time I did this, though, I open the washer and it smells, well, a little crispy. I stuck my head out the back door to make sure that burnin’ smell wasn’t coming from someone’s woodstove, but no. It was definitely waftin’ from my washer. I like clean clothes and all, but I like my house more! Time to bite the bullet, and buy a new washer.

Now, you and me know this is not as easy as it sounds. Ever hopeful, Charlie and me drive to the Bangor Mall to do the deed. We explain to the young chipper workin’ behind the counter that we live in a double-wide, so our laundry center is a closet. That means we have one of those stackable units: washer on bottom, dryer on top. We tell him the dryer’s fine. We just need a new washer.

“Well,” he explains, “used to be you can do that. Now, new units don’t stack onto older ones, even if you get the same brand.”

“What?” Charlie says, lookin’ none too pleased. “We have to get a new washer and dryer?”

“I’m afraid so.”

That’s not all. We have a gas dryer powered by propane, and want to stay with that. ‘Course the gas dryers you buy are set up for natural gas, so that means you have to order a conversion kit, too. And, the gas company has to come out and unhook your old dryer, then come back and convert and hook up the new dryer. There’s just so many ways this whole thing can get messed up.

Charlie and me went into a huddle. It was a big decision for us, not made any easier by those fluorescent lights and music blarin’. You want to just tell ‘em to cut the sound track, you’re tryin’ to think! Meanwhile, our pile of laundry wasn’t getting’ any smaller. It didn’t seem like we had a lot of options.

“Alright, kid,” Charlie says as we break from our huddle. “Let’s go for it.”

The automated call from the delivery people came on the Sunday evening that week, saying that our window for delivery was 7:15 to 9:15, Monday morning. So I had to scramble and call the gas company answering service, to make sure they had someone here early to unhook the dryer.

I’ll be darned, the gas company came at 7:05 and the delivery guys at 7:20. I was pleasantly surprised. By 7:30, those tattooed young bucks had taken away our old unit and brought in our brand-spankin’ new “laundry center.” So far, so good. I’m getting ready to buy a lottery ticket, I’m feeling so lucky, when the gas guy (after an hour of putterin’) realized they’d sent the wrong conversion kit. Plus, we needed a longer venting tube. He was nice enough to set up the washer so I could use that, anyway, which made me happy no end. ‘Cause it’s better to have a washer and no dryer than a dryer and no washer, right? Heck, I’m lucky to even have these problems!

Two conversion kits and gas company service calls later, I’ll admit, my usual sunny disposition has ratcheted down a notch. But I’m hopeful the next one will do the trick. Three’s the charm, right? Hey, our clothes are getting washed. They’re hangin’ on the line. Our mountain of laundry’s shrinkin’. Onward!

That’s it for now. Catch you on the flip side!

 

IDA'S PODCAST: Taken to the Cleaners

Ida/Susan in your neck of the woods!

OCTOBER 3: 
Brown Bag Lecture Series with Susan Poulin, "Finding Your Inner Moose" Reading and Q&A
12:00-1:00 p.m. at the Rines Auditorium, Portland Public Library, 5 Monument Square, Portland, ME
http://www.portlandlibrary.com
207-871-1700

OCTOBER 6:
Ida’s New Show: I Married an Alien!
2:00 p.m. & 8:00 p.m. at the West End Studio Theatre, Portsmouth, NH
http://actonenh.org/
603-300-2986

I’ll be traveling around quite a bit in the next few months, so check back here each Monday for where I’ll be that week, or click on the “Where’s Ida” link to the left to see my full schedule.

If you’d like me to do a reading at your library, organization or what not, please don’t hesitate to drop me a line:
[email protected]
And if your book group wants to read Finding Your Inner Moose, I’d love to be part of the discussion. Especially if food’s involved!