The remains of Ralph Russell

Bill Miskoe sent me a few true stories he likes to tell. They are keepers! Here’s the blog-shortened version of his tale called:

The Remains of Ralph Russell

"In the late 1990’s the last of the family still living in New Hampshire was Ralph Russell, called Great Uncle Ralph, an accomplished and independent old guy. When age and illness began to chip away at him, Ralph and his family agreed that when he went he’d be cremated within a day, avoiding embalming and viewing and all that stuff. His ashes would be dispersed about the family homestead in West Franklin, known as The Old Place, at the next annual family reunion.

"But none of the family lived anywhere near Franklin, where Ralph died in November, so I agreed to collect the ashes and keep them until the next summer. 

"I got a call from a man at a crematory who asked if I would come over and pick up 'The Remains of Ralph Russell.' Told him I would, and, with an image of a coffin-sized, but a bit toasted, concrete burial vault in mind, asked what size truck I needed to bring.

"After he stopped laughing, he said I could come in any truck I wanted, but that ‘The Remains of Ralph Russell’ would easily sit on the seat beside me.

"Sure enough 'The Remains of Ralph Russell' came packaged in a six-inch cardboard cube.

"I thought about bringing the box up to my house in Bow, but realized that I might not be home when family came to collect Ralph. So I put him in the top drawer of an old wooden file cabinet in my metal shop office, figuring if someone came while I was gone, they could get the box from the fellows who worked with me. Neglected, however, to tell Rick and JR what I had arranged.

"The day came when I was, indeed, away. Got a call on my cellulite phone: 

“ 'This is Rick. There’s a woman here who wants the Remains of Ralph Russell.'

“ 'Oh, yes…'

“ 'You mean there’s dead remains here?'

“ 'In the top drawer of the file cabinet.'

"When I got back to the shop, Rick had a request. He said, 'Bill, don’t never put no dead Remains of Ralph Russell around here again where me and JR work.”

"So I haven’t."