As I sit down to write this blog, I have no idea what I’m gonna share with you this week. I’m tabula rasa. (Who knew that’s how you spelled it!) I mean, I got nothin’. But you know what? I’m showing up, making a start and seeing what happens, which, come to think of it, is a pretty good approach to life, now, isn’t it?
Let’s see. It’s mid-August, and boy, haven’t we had one heck of a tourist season here in Mahoosuc Mills! I guess the economy has bounced back enough for folks from away to venture all the way to our little neck of the woods. They drive hundreds of miles in their fancy SUV’s to get away from it all, then they complain that it’s not more like home. What’s up with that? “Don’t you have a Starbucks in town?” “The cell phone coverage stinks.” “The loons are keeping me up at night.” Folks, if you wanted to be miserable, you could have saved the gas and stayed home. Not everyone is like that, of course. But the ones who are kind of stand out.
Down to the A&P, it’s been wicked busy, of course. I’ve seen my fair share of tank tops and flip flops. And I’m no prude, but really, short shorts should not be worn by women past their sell-by date. And men in that category shouldn’t be allowed to go shirtless outside the privacy of their own homes, either. I’m just sayin’.
And what is it with the bad tattoos? I’ve got nothin’ against tattoos, mind you. My niece Caitlin has a beautiful butterfly on her lower back and a daisy on her ankle. Those are works of art, in my opinion. But some of the ones I’ve seen at the A&P this summer? I’m all for a bargain, but a tattoo is permanent, folks! You don’t go with the lowest bidder! And you’re the one that’s supposed to be drunk, not the guy doing’ the tattoo! My feeling is, if I have to ask the person what it says or what it is, that tattoo is comin’ up short. I mean is that Jesus or Jerry Garcia? It’s hard to tell.
Oh, and we had a major “oompa loompa” alert at work, Friday. (That’s a spray tan or self tan gone horribly wrong.) Holy Mother of God! That gal had managed to turn herself bright orange! Plus, she was sportin’ short shorts (even though she shouldn’t) a navel ring (why?) and yet another bad tattoo (trust me). ‘Course, she comes to me to check out. I says to her. “Is that a worm comin’ out of the apple?”
She has no idea what I’m talkin’ about.
“Your tattoo,” I clarify, “is that a worm comin’ out of the apple?”
“Oh,” she replies, “no, that’s the stem of the apple.”
“Oh, yes, I see it now,” I say, humoring her. I’m scanning her items, but my eyes keep driftin’ back to that apple. I’m thinkin’, How many shots of Wild Turkey would it take to make that tattoo look good?
Once we finished with the oompa loopa gal, I shut off my register light, and me and my bagger Shannon run out to the break room, where we almost peed our pants we got laughing so hard. Our manager Chip came in and we even got him crackin’ up. What a circus that place is, come summer.
Speakin’ of work, I gotta pull myself together. Gonna be another busy day down to the A&P. I can feel it!
That’s it for now. Catch you on the flip side!
August 16: I Married an Alien!, Deertrees Theatre, 7:30pm, Harrison, ME
August 17: Islandport Authorfest, Book Signing with John Ford and Mark Ricketts, Kittery Trading Post, 11:00am-2:00pm, Kittery, ME
Comin’ Up This Summer
August 22: Ida: Woman Who Runs With the Moose!, ACT ONE Festival 2013, 2:00pm & 8:00pm, Portsmouth, NH
August 29: I Married an Alien!, ACT ONE Festival 2013, 2:00pm & 8:00pm, Portsmouth, NH
For details, please check out the schedule page on my website: http://www.idaswebsite.com/schedule