It’s only the end of July, and boy, haven’t we had one heck of a tourist season already here in Mahoosuc Mills! I don’t get it. Some of these people from away drive hundreds of miles in their fancy SUVs to get away from it all, then they complain that it’s not more like home. “Don’t you have a Starbucks in town?” “The cell phone coverage stinks.” “The loons are keeping me up at night.” Folks, if you wanted to be miserable, you could have saved the gas and stayed home. Not everyone is like that, of course. But the ones who are kind of stand out.
Down to the A&P, it’s been wicked busy, of course. I’ve seen more than my fair share of tank tops and flip flops. And I’m no prude, but really, short shorts should not be worn by women past their sell-by date. And men in that category shouldn’t be allowed to go shirtless outside the privacy of their own homes, either. I’m just sayin’.
And what is it with the bad tattoos? I’ve got nothing against tattoos, mind you. My niece Caitlin has a beautiful butterfly on her lower back and a daisy on her ankle. Those are works of art, in my opinion. But some of the ones I’ve seen at the A&P this summer? I’m all for a bargain, but a tattoo is permanent, folks. You don’t go with the lowest bidder. And you’re the one that’s supposed to be drunk, not the guy doing the tattoo! My feeling is, if I have to ask the person what it says or what it is, that tattoo is coming up short. I mean is that Jesus or Jerry Garcia? It’s hard to tell.
Oh, and we had a major “oompa loompa” alert at work Friday. (That’s a spray tan or self-tan gone horribly wrong.) Holy Mother of God! That gal had managed to turn herself bright orange! Plus, she was sporting short shorts (even though she shouldn’t), a navel ring (why?), and yet another bad tattoo (trust me). ‘Course, she comes to me to check out. I says to her, “Is that a worm coming out of the apple?”
She has no idea what I’m talking about.
“Your tattoo,” I clarify, “is that a worm coming out of the apple.”
“Oh,” she replies, “no, that’s the stem of the apple.”
“Oh, yes, I see it now,” I say, humoring her. I’m scanning her items, but my eyes keep drifting back to that apple. I’m thinking, how many shots of Wild Turkey would it take to make that tattoo look good?
Once we finished with the oompa loopa gal, I shut off my register light, and me and my bagger Shannon run out to the break room, where we almost peed our pants, we got laughing so hard. Our manager Chip came in, and we even got him crackin’ up. What a circus the A&P is come summer.
That’s it for now. Catch you on the flip side!
Coming Up This Week
August 5: Ida’s Havin’ a Yard Sale!, Deertrees Theatre, https://www.deertrees-theatre.org/ 7:30pm, Harrison, ME
Ida has a new show!
September 8 & 9: Makin’ Whoopie!, ACT ONE Beyond Festival, https://actonenh.org/ Friday at 7:30pm and Saturday at 2:00pm & 7:30pm, Portsmouth, NH
September 15 & 16: Makin’ Whoopie!, ACT ONE Beyond Festival, https://actonenh.org/ Friday at 7:30pm and Saturday at 2:00pm, Portsmouth, NH
September 29 & 30: Makin’ Whoopie!, The Footlights Theatre, https://www.thefootlightsinfalmouth.com/ Friday and Saturday at 7:30pm, Falmouth, ME
With Caitlin’s help, I’ve finally learned to update the schedule on my website. Check it out here: https://www.idaswebsite.com/schedule/