Just Ask Ida

Livin’ in a time warp!

I’m livin’ in a time warp! I kid you not. It’s like some crap episode of Star Trek, where time slows down when I wish it’d go faster, and speeds up when I want to linger. Here’s what I mean:

I’m getting my teeth cleaned, right? And the hygienist is doing that part where they poke around at your gums. I’m staring into the light just past her head, trying to go to my happy place. Instead, I’m sucked into this slow as molasses, grandfather clock, tick-tock, pick-poke zone thinkin’ is she ever gonna finish?

Or, I’m getting ready to go away for the weekend with Charlie. We’re gonna head down the coast for a second honeymoon, leave Friday, right after work. The big day arrives. I’ve set aside some time before my shift down to the A&P to pack. Well, things start off normal enough, but then the situation gets wonky. Every time I glance at the clock, it’s five, ten, fifteen minutes later than I think it should be. The closer it gets to when I have to leave, the quicker time’s flyin’ by. Finally, I reach the tippin’ point where I know there’s no way I’m gonna get it all done before I have to go to work. Which means a time crunch later, throwin’ my clothes and stuff all willy-nilly into my suitcase, then rushing around the house, pullin’ things together while Charlie waits in the car with the engine runnin’!

I don’t remember time ever bein’ like this in my twenties, thirties. Even forties. When I was a kid, sure. Time would speed up when I was playin’, or right before I had to go to bed, then slow down again when I was sitting in school waitin’ for the bell to ring. Or I’d be squirmin’ in the pew at church wonderin’ if we were gettin’ close to communion, ‘cause that meant mass was almost over.

But this speeding up and slowing down of time in my youth was a gentler, more reliable thing, almost like breathing. Expandin’ and contractin’, expandin’ and contractin’.

Now, time feels more like a slinky, unpredictable and undependable. One minute, I have a hold of it. The next, time’s tumblin’ down the stairs, end over end, pickin’ up speed, then slamming to a full stop at the bottom.

It’s that full stop that’s become more alluring the older I get. I can’t control the time warp, but I can accept and savor the pause: a nap, a cup of tea with the latest issue of the Oprah magazine. Takin’ a minute to scratch Scamp’s belly or kiss the top of Charlie’s head. The full stop is a gift. I’m not cursin’ time for goin’ too fast, or wishing it away ‘cause it’s goin’ so slow. I’m here lingerin’ in the pause, for as long as it lasts.

Bugger, look at the time! I gotta hurry up to get to work, so I can stand at register 3 starin’ at the clock as the minutes slowly tick-tock by. Beam me up, Scotty!

That’s it for now. Catch you on the flip side!

IDA's PODCAST: Livin' in a Time Warp

Comin’ Up This Summer:
June 27: Book Signing, Savoir Flare, 3:00-7:00pm, Berlin, NH
July 2: Book Reading, Belfast Free Library, 6:30pm
July 13: Signing and Featured Reader, Books in Boothbay, 11:30am-3:30pm, Boothbay Harbor, ME
July 14: Book Reading, Casco Public Library, 4:00pm
July 16: Book Reading, Rangeley Public Library, 6:00pm
July 20: I Married an Alien!, Western Maine Storytelling Festival, 7:00pm, Farmington, ME
July 22: Book Reading, Huntington Common, 3:00pm, Kennebunk, ME
July 25: The Moose in Me, The Moose in You! Keynote Speech, DKG 2013 Northeast Regional Conference, Portland, ME
August 16: I Married an Alien!, Deertrees Theatre, 7:30pm, Harrison, ME
August 17: Islandport Authorfest, Book Signing with John Ford and Mark Ricketts, Kittery Trading Post, 11:00am-2:00pm, Kittery, ME
August 22: Ida: Woman Who Runs With the Moose!, ACT ONE Festival 2013, 2:00pm & 8:00pm, Portsmouth, NH
August 29: I Married an Alien!, ACT ONE Festival 2013, 2:00pm & 8:00pm, Portsmouth, NH

For details, please check out the schedule page on my website: http://www.idaswebsite.com/schedule/

Rewardin' Effort, Not Outcome

It’s the first blog of the month again, so you know the drill. We’re trying to incorporate a little change from my book, Finding Your Inner Moose, into our life each month, hoping it becomes habit. Our aim? Livin’ the good life, of course.

Isn’t this year just is flying by? I mean, we’re already on "Chapter Six: A Good Marriage Starts With Please and Thank You." Now like in real life, I do most of the talkin’ in my book. But I’m not the only one. My husband Charlie has a little section in each chapter where he weighs in on whatever topic I’m covering. You know, givin’ the guys point of view. His sections are called “Straight Talk from the Baracalounger,” ‘cause that’s where you’ll find him most evenings, in our double-wide, holding court. Here’s his take on the subject of marriage:

The key to a happy marriage? Look interested and say, “Yes, dear.”

You think I’m joking, but it’s true!

And tell her she looks nice. Took me a while to catch on to that one. Sure, if we were going out on the town and she was all dolled up, I’d say something. But that’s not enough.

Bottom line: Whether the two of you are going to a bean supper, or she’s off for a girls’ night out, or if she’s just going to work, your wife’s put some effort into how she looks. Even if you feel she’s missed the mark, compliment her. Say something like, “Don’t you look sharp tonight, deah,” or “Aren’t you something?” You’re not being dishonest. You’re showing her you notice and appreciate her. It’s about rewarding effort, not outcome. Trust me, just doing this one thing will improve the quality of your married life no end, ’cause a happy wife makes for a happy husband.

Now, when I started out writin’ my blog this mornin’, I thought to myself, Self, today I’m gonna let Charlie give marriage tips to guys. ‘Cause frankly, some of ‘em could use all the help they can get in this department. So, by letting him speak, I’d be doin’ a public service, right?

Then I got to thinkin’ about this “rewardin’ effort, not outcome” thing, and I realized I don’t always do this with Charlie. Now, I’m not talkin’ about complimentin’ his outfit, ‘cause he doesn’t really put all that much effort into what he’s wearin’ in the first place. Plus, about all he cares about is, does it have pockets and is it comfortable?

No, what came to me is that Charlie puts a lot of effort into other things: doin’ stuff ‘round the house, makin’ little functional gewgaws, fixin’ this and that and keepin’ the yard ship shape. And I don’t always do the proper amount of appreciatin’.

He’ll make a magazine rack for the “library” (that’s what Charlie calls the bathroom), and frankly, it’s a little more rustic than I had in mind. Or he puts up a new towel rack in the kitchen, and maybe it’s a tad off center. Or, he gets carried away prunin’ the shrubs. Whatever. In the bigger scheme of things, none of these things really matter, right? And besides, like a lot of guys, I know Charlie shows his love by doin’, not talkin’. How about treatin’ him the way I want to be treated, huh? Cut him some slack and reward effort, not outcome?

Thanks for the reminder, sweetheart. How’d you get to be so smart?

That’s it for now. Catch you on the flip side!

IDA's PODCAST: Rewardin' Effort, Not Outcome

Comin’ Up This Summer:
June 27: Book Signing, Savoir Flare, 3:00-7:00pm, Berlin, NH
July 2: Book Reading, Belfast Free Library, 6:30pm
July 13: Signing and Featured Reader, Books in Boothbay, 11:30am-3:30pm, Boothbay Harbor, ME
July 14: Book Reading, Casco Public Library, 4:00pm
July 16: Book Reading, Rangeley Public Library, 6:00pm
July 20: I Married an Alien!, Western Maine Storytelling Festival, 7:00pm, Farmington, ME
July 22: Book Reading, Huntington Common, 3:00pm, Kennebunk, ME
July 25: The Moose in Me, The Moose in You! Keynote Speech, DKG 2013 Northeast Regional Conference, Portland, ME
August 16: I Married an Alien!, Deertrees Theatre, 7:30pm, Harrison, ME
August 17: Islandport Authorfest, Book Siging with John Ford and Mark Ricketts, Kittery Trading Post, 11:00am-2:00pm, Kittery, ME
August 22: Ida: Woman Who Runs With the Moose!, ACT ONE Festival 2013, 2:00pm & 8:00pm, Portsmouth, NH
August 29: I Married an Alien!, ACT ONE Festival 2013, 2:00pm & 8:00pm, Portsmouth, NH

For details, please check out the schedule page on my website: http://www.idaswebsite.com/schedule/

They're Back!

Boy, oh, boy, I sure do love the smells of spring: newly mown grass, meat cookin’ on a grill, clothes fresh from the line. Snow’s gone, trees are flowerin’, and it’s the time of year where you just want to get outdoors and do stuff! Sounds great, right? If you don’t take into account the flyin’ plague we have goin’ on here in Mahoosuc Mills. No, not locusts. I’m talkin’ black flies. Holy you-know-what! Pass the DEET, Batman, ‘cause that citronella crap just don’t cut it! It’s like an aperitif to the blood suckin’ hoards!

I mean to tell you, last week a swarm of black flies carried off Mrs. Ledoux’s chiwawa, Muffin. Well, that’s what Mr. Ledoux says. But come to think of it, he’s seemed mighty chipper lately. I guess he and Muffin had some kind of personality conflict, accordin’ to Mrs. Ledoux, who’s inconsolable.

Anyways, back to the black flies. When dealin’ with pesky varmints like these, it’s important to have the right gear. If you’re gonna go work in the garden or hang the clothes of the line, you gotta cover yourself up. I’m talking long pants tucked into your socks, long sleeve shirt, gloves and a bug helmet. Really! And, even with that, you still gotta spray yourself stem to stern with Deep Woods Off or the like. If you don’t have a bug helmet, put a bandana ‘round your neck, wear a hat and don’t linger!

As you can imagine, this is one heck of an attractive spring look. But sometimes, you gotta just man up and do what you need to do. Black fly bites are not very attractive either, and itch like no tomorrow. So I say, this time of year, rock your best self indoors, and do the full black fly camo gear outside.

When I was a kid, we’d just throw on a kerchief, cover our face with our hands and my mom would spray every inch of us with bug dope. Which you know was loaded with all kinds of yucky stuff. Still, I remember a time when I had to get a pixie haircut ‘cause I had so many black fly bites on the nape of my neck. It was the only way we could deal with it. And believe you me: that’s just not an option anymore. I crossed the pixie hair cut bridge a long, long time ago. Nowadays, I wear a straw hat under my bug helmet, and accessorize with a perky shade of lipstick and some cute earrings. I call it my “Downton Abbey” look, (from the neck up, anyways). From the neck down, I’m doin’ the full Mainer.

Still, for that smell of newly tilled earth, barbequed pork or sheets fresh on the line, I’ll do what I have to do, fashion be damned! Besides, before you know it, black fly season will be over. Then, we’ll have to deal with them other pesky invaders: the tourists!
That’s it for now. Catch you on the flip side!

IDA's PODCAST: They're Back!

Lot’s of great stuff coming up this summer. Check out my newly updated schedule at http://www.idaswebsite.com/

And if you’d like me to do a reading at your library, organization or what not, please don’t hesitate to drop me a line: ida@idaswebsite.com

And if your book group wants to read Finding Your Inner Moose, I’d love to be part of the discussion. Especially if food’s involved.