All of a sudden, I’m hearing this commotion in the bathroom. Sounds like Charlie’s trying to find something.
“You seen my nose hair clipper?”
“You know, that thing I use to trim my nose hair.”
“Where is it usually?”
Nose hair clipper. I can kind of see it in my mind, this heavy, pewter-colored thing, looks kind of like a medieval torture device. “You mean that industrial strength roto-rooter I bought you a few years back?”
“Yeah, that. Can’t find it.”
Oh, no, I’m thinking. I can picture the thing now, in a plastic tray nestled between five or six lipsticks, all in crap colors, make you look like a corpse. I’d gotten those lipsticks at the cosmetic counter. One of them “gift with purchase” deals that seem like a bargain at the time. Sadly, they’re not. I was on a tear, cleaning the bathroom and I vaguely remember grabbing everything in that plastic tray and giving it the old heave-ho.
“You chucked it, didn’t you, cleanin’ the bathroom?”
“Yup. I’m sorry. But you never really used it, did you?”
“Sure I did, once a month. Worked like a charm.”
“Oh, Charlie. It was in with my stuff, so I thought you weren’t using it. I was movin’ fast.”
“Geez, Louise, Ida! I gotta keep that jungle in my nose under control or we’re gonna have a situation.”
“Well, I’ll just have to get you another one. That’s what you get for marrying a Gilbert.”
“Ha! I remember your mother clearin’ all the plates from the table before all of us were finished eatin’.”
“She was anxious to get the dishes picked up.”
“Got so I was afraid to put my fork down between bites!”
“That’s why dad’s such a fast eater.”
“Right! No dawdling. ‘Less you want your dinner to disappear.”
“Anyhoo, I’m sorry I threw your nose hair trimmer away, Charlie. I’ll order you another one.”
“Nothin’ fancy. That one worked great.”
“I am on it, Charlie. You know how much I love a shoppin’ assignment. It came from a catalogue, if my memory serves.”
“Yup, there’s one in the “library”. Unless you threw it out when you were cleanin’ in there.”
“Thought about it, but I didn’t.”
“The sooner, the better, Ida. ‘Cause if you think my snoring’s bad now…”
“Today! I’ll put in a rush order. Tell ‘em it’s an emergency.” And I did.
That’s it for now. Catch you on the flip side!
Upcoming Performances and Book Events: Fall
November 20: Book Reading, Hubbard Free Library, 6:30 p.m., Hallowell, ME
November 29 & 30: A Very Ida Christmas, The Footlights, Saturday at 7:00 p.m., Sunday at 2:00 p.m., Falmouth, ME
December 13: Book signing, "Finding Your Inner Moose," 11 a.m. - 2 p.m. at the Islandport Press Book Kiosk, 364 Maine Mall Road, South Portland, ME
December 22: Filming The View From He’ah, with guest Jennifer Armstrong, 7:00 p.m., PPMtv, Portsmouth, NH