To Spanx or not to Spanx? That’s the million dollar question (especially ‘round the holidays). Is it better to suffer through the evening, looking good in that new outfit, but being miserably uncomfortable? Or to let it all hang out and actually be able to breath?
To the uninitiated, Shapewear (or Spankies, as we call ‘em) are like an old fashioned girdle, only now they’re made of Lycra or Spandex or some other Space Age material probably developed for NASA. These miracles of modern engineering smooth everything out and hold it in. I have one that goes from the top of my knees, right up to my bra, and it seems to do the trick, for a few hours at least. More than that, and I start feelin’ like a sausage.
I can’t put on my Spanky without thinking about the day I bought it. It was a couple of Black Friday’s ago, when me and the Women Who Run With the Moose went shoppin’ down to the Bangor Mall. We’re browsin’ around Kohl’s, and see that the Shapewear is on sale. So we decide to give it a try. We grab a bunch in different shapes and sizes and take ‘em into the dressing room. Oh, my God, did we ever laugh!
I started by tryin’ on a Spanky/granny panty-type thing. It come up to my waist, which, alas, is my problem area.
“Well,” I says to the girls, “this is definitely not workin’.”
Betty’s tryin’ to stifle a giggle. “Ida,” she says, “I think you’re gonna have to try one that goes up higher. ‘Cause, um, I’m lookin’ at a certain degree of spillage.”
“I know,” I says, “major muffin top, huh?” I quickly graduated to the knee-to-bra version.
But the thing that really got us going was when Rita, who’s tiny to begin with, tried on a Spanky slip, in small. Now, here’s the deal: I don’t care how slender you are (and if you’re that thin, why are you botherin’ with a Spanky in the first place?) the thing with Spankies is, you gotta go with the large, or extra large or they’re just too tight. But Rita didn’t want to feel left out, so she disappears into the dressing room with Spanky slip, and somehow managed to wedge herself into it.
Dot goes, “Come out here model it for us, Rita.”
“I can’t,” she squeaks.
“Why not?” says Celeste
“I…don’t…think I can walk!”
We’re all losin’ it. Then Shirley goes, “Bunny hop, Rita!”
And with that, Rita flings back the curtain and hops out, and the rest of us, half undressed and Spankied to the max, dissolve into fits of laughter. I mean, that silly kind where you can’t get your breath. You start to talk, but you’re laughing too hard you can’t get the words out.
“Stop!, Stop!” Betty gasps. “My Spanky’s so tight, it hurts when I laugh!”
And that got us going even more. Plus, more than one of us are overheating from all that Spandex. We must of carried on like that for five minutes, no exaggeration.
Then Rita, tears of laughter streamin’ down her face, goes, “I don’t know…how…I’m going to get this darn thing off!”
I go, “Is there an emergency lever in here? ‘Cause we need the Jaws of Life!”
“Uh oh….” goes Shirley.
“What?” we all ask.
Shirley’s face is all red, “I just pee’d my pants!”
“You mean, pee’d your Spanky!” Guffaws, all ‘round.
It took all five of us (five!) to pry Rita out of that slip. And even though it wasn’t her size, Shirley ended up havin’ to buy the Spanky she had on. Why? ‘Cause she pee’d in it!
Listen, I’ve heard of some celebrities who double and even triple Spanky for special occasions. Which kind of gives me a panic attack, just thinkin’ about it. Goes to show, some of those folks in Hollywood have more money than sense.
Generally, I’m of the opinion that moderation is over-rated. But when it comes to wearing your Spanky, moderation may be a good thing. Still, with the right outfit it can really makes a difference. Before you go out on the town, though, just make sure you can walk, sit, eat and breath in it, OK? Otherwise, it could be a long evening!
That’s it for now. Catch you on the flip side!
December 20: Live PPMtv Holiday Celebration hosted by Ida, Portsmouth, NH
December 31: A Holiday Visit With Ida, Maple Suites, 7:00 p.m., Dover NH
Need more laughs? Check out videos of Ida’s Christmas stories.