Well, Labor Day has come and gone, and it’s time to get serious about thinking about my weight. I’m not saying I’m going to do anything about it just now, but I am going to start thinking about it.
Every summer it’s the same thing. I start off pretty strong. I try to make smart food choices, control my portions, stop eating when I’m full. When Charlie and me go to the DQ, I get a kiddy size soft serve in a dish. Then, as the summer progresses, I slowly lose my resolve. A Needham on the way home from work. Cheese and crackers before dinner. I order the small dish of soft serve, then I move on to the hot fudge sundae. By the end of August, oh mister man, it’s Peanut Buster Parfaits two, three times a week!
But now it’s time to pay the piper. The weather’s cooling down, which means saying bye-bye to my forgiving summer clothes, and getting out the fall slacks and (God, I shudder to think about it!) my jeans.
Last year, I didn’t tackle my summer weight until January, so I had to take off not only my summer weight, but my holiday weight, too. That meant four months of working out at Curves five times a week and cutting back on carbs, sugar and, basically, anything that’s really tasty. Waking up every two hours starving. I swore I wouldn’t pork out like that again, so I have to get serious about thinking about losing weight this Fall.
Listen, I’m not trying to get skinny or anything. I come from good French peasant stock. I’m “firmly planted”, as my cousin Mikey puts it. I surrendered long ago to the fact that I’m never going to be tall, thin and blonde (well, I didn’t give up on the blonde part). I just want to be healthy, relatively fit, and not have to buy a new wardrobe.
And I can tell without even trying them on that my fat jeans are gonna to be too tight to be comfortable. And that’s a recipe for disaster, ‘cause tight clothes make me want to eat more. I know it doesn’t make sense. You’d think it would be motivating, but I’m an emotional eater, and tight clothes make me feel fat, which makes me feel bad, so I eat fattening food to feel better. Gee, it’s kind of sad when I put it out there like that, but it’s the truth.
When I start despairing about being too chubby for my fat jeans, Charlie says, “Ida, it’s the same thing every Fall. Why don’t you just buy a bigger size?”
Men just don’t get it, do they? If I buy the next size, then it’s only a matter of time before my fat jeans become my thin jeans, and my high weight becomes my low weight. My fat jeans are the only thing standing between me worrying about how I’m going to lose this extra ten pounds, and Richard Simmons knocking on my door with the Jaws of Life to pry me out of the double-wide, ‘cause I’m too big to fit through the door!
That’s it for now. Catch you on the flip side!
Coming Up This Fall:
September 12: Book Reading, Quarry Hill, 2:00 p.m., Camden, ME
September 15: Book Group Visit, 10:00 a.m., Portsmouth, NH
October 10: The Moose in Me, The Moose in You, Keynote Speech, NH Council on Developmental Disablilities Caregivers Conference, Concord, NH
October 26: Book Reading, Betsy Ross House, 3:00 p.m., South Portland, ME
October 27: The Moose in Me, The Moose in You, Community Concepts staff retreat, 1:00 p.m. & 2:15 p.m., Newry, ME
November 7-9: I Married an Alien, The Public Theatre, Friday and Saturday at 7:00 p.m., Sunday at 3:00 p.m., Lewiston, ME
November 29 & 30: A Very Ida Christmas, The Footlights, Saturday at 7:00 p.m., Sunday at 2:00 p.m., Falmouth, ME