Got together with the Women Who Run With the Moose last week for our regular girls night out. January is a long, cold month, and us girls look forward to our get togethers more than ever.
Shirley’s been a little under the weather lately, so she finally broke down and went to the doctor for a physical: “the whole lube, oil and filter,” as she calls it. This is major 'cause Shirley’s doesn’t even like taking an aspirin for a headache. Turns out she had walkin’ pneumonia, though she’s feeling better now.
“Shirley, it’s a good thing you went,” says Betty. “Pneumonia’s nothing to mess around with.”
“Yeah, I guess,” Shirley replies, “but God don’t they like to pry. They kept askin’ me all sorts of personal questions.”
“Well, that’s kind of their job, isn’t it?”
“I’m not buying it. Stuff like, how much caffeine am I drinking? What am I doing to de-stress? How am I sleeping? BM’s? And why, in God’s name, does the doctor need to know how often Junior and me have sex? I’m thinkin’, who does she think she is, anyways? Masters and Johnson?”
“What’d you tell her, Shirley?” I tease.
“I said, ‘About average for a couple that’s been together for over forty years: New Years Eve, Junior’s birthday, Fourth of July and Veteran’s Day.’”
“Not Arbor Day?”
“Nope, easier to just plant a tree.”
Well, that got us goin’.
Rita says, “Know what question I hate? Date of your last period.”
“Really!” Dottie agrees. “How am I supposed to remember that? It’s gotta be over ten years.”
“Yeah, don’t they have it in their files some place?”
“After a certain age, they should just stop askin’ you that.”
“Should,” I says, “but they won’t. We’ll be checkin’ into the Alzheimer’s wing at Mahoosuc Green and someone will still want to know.”
“Right! And at that point, we’ll be lucky if we remember our own names!”
Betty goes, “I know! Maybe we should just get the date of our last period tattooed on our arm. ’Let me check,’ you say. Then you roll up the sleeve of your cardigan and voila, there it is.”
“Why stop there?” says Celeste, rollin’ up the sleeve of her other arm. “Father’s middle name.”
Dottie puts her foot up on the table and lifts her pant leg, “Mother’s maiden name? Right here!”
“Last four digits of my social?”
“Oh, gotta protect that.”
“How about on my stomach, upside down so only I can read it?”
“I’m gonna need a mirror for that one ‘cause it’s written backwards on my butt!”
“Beside the tattoo of the caterpillar that used to be a butterfly!”
By now we’re almost peeing our pants, we’re laughing so hard. Tears are streaming down our faces.
“Shirley!” I says, “Did the doctor ask you why you haven’t been in for a colonoscopy?”
“Yes, in fact, she did.”
“And what’d you say?”
“The usual. I told her it’s nobody’s business what’s up there but my own!”
With that, I think at least one of us did pee our pants. Like I said, January is one long, cold month here in Mahoosuc Mills. You gotta get your yucks wherever you can.
That’s it for now. Catch you on the flip side!
Where’s Ida this week?
January 17: Dinner and A Visiting With Ida, Roost Café & Bistro, 7:00 p.m., Ogunqit, ME
January 26: Book Reading, Albert Brown Memorial Library, 2:00 p.m., China Village, ME
February 7-9: The Best of Ida, Garrison Players, Friday & Saturday at 8:00 p.m., Sunday at 3:00 p.m., Rollinsford, NH
March 19: Book Reading, Stockton Springs Community Library, 6:30 p.m., Stockton Springs, ME
For details, please check out the schedule page on my website: http://www.idaswebsite.com/schedule