This time of year in Maine, it’s not unusual to see big groups of wild turkeys walking through the neighborhood. They make their rounds every morning, like it’s one of them progressive dinners, going from house to house, chowin’ down under every birdfeeder on the block.
Generally, how men feel about squirrels on birdfeeders, that’s how women feel about turkey’s under ‘em. Squirrels are cute and fuzzy, but let’s face it: turkey’s are just plain ugly.Velociraptor, I call ‘em. Even the baby ones are none too cute. One turkey would be more than enough, but you get fifteen or twenty of ‘em together in your yard and boy, that’s a whole lot of ugly.
These critters are bold, too. It’s darn near impossible to scare ‘em off. You can yell and scream all you like, wave your arms or a broom, and they hardly look up from their buffet. Betty even tried a fog horn she got from the marine supply store in Bangor. Nothing! Well, truth be told, one of the bigger turkey’s looked up and gave her an evil, glassy- eyed stare, and Betty hightailed it inside. (This, she refers to as her “Stephen King moment.”)
Well, a few doors down, Margaret Murphy (Peg to her friends), was especially vexed with her turkey situation. She’d tried everything, and was at her wit’s end when Charlie suggested she bring in the heavy artillery. I’ll let the poet laureate of Mahoosuc Mills tell you all about it.
Widow Murphy and the Monsters
A gaggle of gobblers were crossing the road
Up Widow Murphy’s driveway they strode
To me they look regal, even majestic
But maybe too weird to pass as domestic
To Ida, my wife, they seem prehistoric
To the Widow, “They’re nothin’ but monsters!”
“Shoo!” she yells, has she got a grudge!
But darned, if those turkeys don’t even budge
They pause for a moment, regarding the sound
Then back to the birdseed left on the ground
“Scram! Vamoose! Get outta my yard!
You turkeys are nothin’ but monsters!”
“Have you thought of weapons?” I ask her in jest
“I just wanna spook ‘em, not make a mess”
“You’ve tried makin’ noise with a pan and a stick
Some kind of squirt gun might do the trick”
“What the heck, Charlie, I’ll give it a try
Anything to get rid of these monsters!”
The squirt gun she bought, good God in heaven,
The sucker’s as big as an AK-47!
I helped her get started, that thing is sweet
It’s gotta shoot better than 25 feet
We practiced a bit on a little fake rabbit
And when the turkeys came back, she let ‘em have it!
The yard was a flurry of feathers and fowl
And the Widow, she let out a victory howl
No, you don’t need to traipse all the way to Orlando
The action’s right here, and we call her “Gran-bo”
So, my friends, if you don’t take kindly to turkey’s either, get yourself a super soaker, and “Hasta la vista, baby!”
That’s it for now. Catch you on the flip side.
October 10 & 11: The View From He’ah Variety Show, featuring special guest Michael Trautman, aka King Pong: the human pop gun, ACT ONE’s Beyond Festival, Saturday at 8:00pm and Sunday at 2:00pm, WEST, Portsmouth, NH
Coming up this fall:
October 19: The Moose in Me, The Moose in You, 7:00, to benefit the Friends of the Bridgeton Public Library, Magic Lantern, Bridgeton, ME
October 22: Finding Your Inner Moose Book Reading, 6:00pm, sponsored by Simpson Memorial Library, Golden Harvest Grange, Carmel, ME
November 7, 14 & 21: I Married an Alien, 7:30pm, Camp Calumet Women’s Retreat Weekend, West Ossipee, NH